Welcome to the wild and weird world of the "Blow Ass"

Hi there! 

Welcome back. 

Jeeeez, feels like its been forever, huh?

Sorry I've been absent from this for a while, been busy at work, my son had the Aims Games (it's like the Olympics for middle school/intermediate kids aged between 11-14) and my family and I have just had a really busy few weeks! Crazy times!

Life right? Yeah. You hear me.

So for today's blog I thought I'd write about a personality type which encompasses two of the most annoying traits of all - attention whore and sycophant - and the best ways to spot them, deal with them and perhaps even enlighten them.

As you may have guessed, I've run into a few of them just lately, hence this topic for the post. Two women, one guy. 

And before you ask, no I'm not going to name and shame them. This blog is designed to help people, not victimise them and as any of you long term readers will have figured out by now, that's not my style here in text or in person.

Now sure, the people I'm referencing may read this and could realise its about them. Seems pretty unlikely though, none of it's flattering. Attention Whores and Sycophants thrive on their own importance, real and imaginary.

Now to clarify, I do have a real preference for when I am experiencing an issue with someone, I deal with them in person. It's an old-skool type preference, taught to me by my Mum and my Grandfather. The reason is simply to be face-to-face so an equal exchange of ideas can happen and so that relationships can be fostered.

It's never for intimidation reasons (unless necessary) and to date, this in person approach has always stood me in good ground with people and garnered me a nice amount of respect.

But it's an approach that doesn't always work out when dealing with an attention whore sycophant - henceforth referred to as "the Blow-Ass". 

In these three peoples cases, I have not addressed the issues with them in person. Nothing to do with not wanting to but everything to do with not being able to based on their geographical locations. 

And no to my team if you're reading this, it's not any of you and no it's not anyone in Oamaru or from there either. 

Disclaimer dealt, moving on.

So a warning point to realise when dealing with these types of personality;

People will either love them (like-minded individuals) or barely tolerate them (me and likely you).  Those of us who barely tolerate them will raise issues with them based simply on our own ideas around fair-play and right and wrong.

The point I'm making here is;

EVERY BLOW ASS NEEDS EAGER SUPPORTERS TO SURVIVE

You see when confronted with issues, the Blow Ass has a need to whip around and gather up their easily influenced and like-minded supporters, especially if they are confronted by something they don't like.

Prime examples are they could get shown an error they have made or have it suggested they need help from someone they consider inferior to them (which is often most people).

This is the moment drama begins.

The Blow Ass will justify their actions amongst the group they create to build near fanatical support. This will often lead to invisible mobs of people who will talk about you (as the raiser of the issue) behind your back, work hard to create lies about you, try to expose any of your flaws and give you filthy looks based primarily on lies and poisoned views the Blow Ass has fed them with.

It's already sounding like these people are HUGE pains in the ass, right?
Yes to that. True freak'n story.

I am convinced that Drama Queens, Liars, Cheats and Blow Ass's are 100% related. Much like the Adams Family only creepier, actually twisted, far stupider than Uncle Fester and probably hairier in the head than cousin "IT".

Blow Ass infections (and yes, it's applicable calling it this) can have long lasting affects on the group they create too, not to mention on circles of friends - sometimes yours - and perhaps even in business cultures.

In my experience, their poisons have a half-life of around a year after a Blow Ass has been removed.

You see the Blow Ass is a relatively adept creature who feeds on drama and praise. Prior to any expulsions, they'll see it coming and take necessary action.
The Blow Ass will have already completed their work by taking revenge on you for daring to raise something they deem you shouldn't have, for you forcing their hand by doing better than them or that you have threatened their position as most awesome person ever by doing something cool.

This raises another another point to understand.

NO BLOW ASS CAN STAND IN A FRIENDS SHADOW WITHOUT TRYING FIRST TO BRING THAT FRIEND DOWN AND RE-ELEVATE THEMSELVES BACK TO AWESOMENESS

This one is almost guaranteed.

If a friend is the cause of their frustration at not being glorified, the Blow Ass will treat the friend as a threat.
When threatened, the Blow Ass will attempt to create more Blow Asses as an automatic defence mechanism - their group of supporters. 

We will hereby refer to these new Blow Ass as the "Infected".

Some of these Infected - dependent on the level of influence the Blow Ass has poisoned them with - will confront you verbally or will physically gang up on you to vehemently defend the good name of the original Blow Ass who infected them - generally because they lose some part of their brains by listening and buying into such dramatic issues.

Here is a key point to know about these Infected however.

AN INFECTED PERSON WILL THROW THEIR BLOW-ASS INTO THE LINE OF FIRE THE MOMENT IT IS ADVANTAGEOUS FOR THEM TO DO SO

The Infected doesn't want to look bad almost as desperately as the Blow Ass didn't want to. 
The relationship between the Blow Ass and his or her league of Infected converts then becomes tenuous at best.

Handy piece of info if you have to deal with a bunch of Infected right?

Trust me, this bit of information combined with some of the stuff you'll read further down, will enable you to protect yourself and begin teaching an Infected the error of their ways. 

You will feel more confident dealing with them and become much more experienced and confident dealing with any future Blow Ass too.

Eventually you'll be able to spot them and stop them. 

Satisfaction guaranteed.

But unfortunately it's not going to be all come at me bro' and you win, noooooooo. 

Sorry to say but there's not too many fluffy cuddly bunnies and pink woolly slippers in this little story either... 

Blow Ass and their rancid Infected will play dirty. 

They will try to play toward your insecurities every single time and make you feel like you might just be as bad as they are. They will insult you, they will use any means necessary - including guilt trips and comparing you to others - to show you how bad you are and how you have to doubt yourself. 

They want you to be wrong because there is no way that they could be.

Every Blow Ass knows that doubt is the mind-killer and that by making you feel it, they can stop you acting confidently.

And here is the reason.

Confidence is your one and only weapon 

A lack of confidence will have them climb up and over you, thus bringing you into their Infected group or alienating you from your peers and causing you more problems than they are worth.

Make no mistake - BLOW ASSES ARE DANGEROUS.

This danger comes direct from their desire to have you admit you are wrong rather than them and is simply based around another key attribute of a Blow Ass. 

They can't ever take responsibility for their actions or their part in any actions. They believe they are always right and faultless.

IT'S ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE'S FAULT, NOT THEIRS. 

NOT EVER.

Thankfully with good intentions, an Infected can be saved from this way of thinking. 
The Blow Ass however - not a chance.

To rescue an Infected individual will generally take you prodding them to see the error of their ways, giving them some space if they flare up, and time. The Infected individual will always need time after they have been acting poorly.

Once time and space have been observed, you will often see that the Infected will realise that the truths they have been led to believe so majestically, are not real truths at all.

With you staying confident and staying true to yourself, any Infected individual can be brought back around to normal un-infected thinking and allow them the ability to see you for who you are, not what the Blow Ass wanted you to be seen as.

An Infected can - as long as the infectious Blow Ass has been contained - become un-infected and lead a normal healthy life.

Now finally, I thought it would be a good idea to provide you with a few further tips to assist you in the good fight against these Attention seeking whores and sycophants.

I understand that the process of taking control in situations involving the Blow Ass or Infected can be stress provoking and uncomfortable if you let it. 

So try a few of these on for size.

1. The Blow Ass/Infected need to be kept at arms length - if you let them continue to rule discussions, be involved in your life somehow, take over meetings, fight to remain as the centre of attention for any and all interactions with you and those around you - you risk having those around you becoming Infected too. That can then put you in the minority and at risk.  
2. Blow Ass's don't let up. It is their way of life. Knowing this gives you options on how to divert their attention away from you and how to ensure that when you raise issues, you have all your i's dotted and t's crossed. Over-prepare, not under. Blow Ass are slippery fuckers.
3. Blow Ass and Infected individuals will turn any conversations (even ones they are not a part of) towards themselves. How often have you heard about how great someone is from themselves, how legendary someone is from that very person, how they always have a better story than the one you just told, how they say how everyone thinks they're just so incredibly amazing? Know your topic or know theirs. Truth is the leveler.
4. Never rely on a Blow Ass. They will always let you down and blame someone else. Have a back up plan if you have no other choice.
5. Be confident in who you are and what you stand for. Confidence is your greatest weapon. Not even the Infected will be able to rock you.

Like I've stated in previous posts - Negativity is a virus and it will spread quickly given the right environment to do so. It is always up to you to make sure this environment never gets wings.

Something I haven't mentioned in prior posts though is that Negativity is generally spread by the infectious method of the Blow Ass.

True story my friend.

Like I stated earlier - Blow Ass are dangerous individuals.

And the reason for this is simple.  Above all else there is one over-arching desire that the Blow Ass finds themselves unable to let go of.  It is the one thing that drives them to be a Blow Ass in the first place.

THEY HAVE TO BE PERCEIVED BY OTHERS AS BETTER THAN YOU.

Especially if they have tried to infest your life.

Again, handy information to be armed with, wouldn't you say?

By knowing this, you can protect yourself from falling into the trap like the "Infected" and avoid being a target for their "I will insert myself into every facet of your life" method. 
The above items will also teach you that all Infected individuals will be told that what you have done - whatever it might be and real or fake - has to be over-dramatised and terrible.

The trick is to just be awesome, confident and understanding and the bullshit and lies won't have anything to stick to. The Blow Ass will have to work even harder to keep his/her flock interested.

If you are of influence, have said something nice to them in the past or have been understanding, if you can be used for future gain or are considered worthy enough to be connected with, the Blow Ass will target you by singling you out as a potential candidate for friendship by firstly plying you with gifts - often excessive but always public - and inserting themselves into as much of your life as they can to the point they begin trying to organise you. If you are connected with someone of power too - you will be a target.  Be wary.

They will run down others seen as potential threats, will over-state how close the two of you are and will guide you away from anything that might out-shine them. Most noticeable will be the attempt to get you to be their "OMG - YES, YOU ARE SO AMAZING" personal cheer squad.

THE BLOW ASS DOES NEED TO BE CONSTANTLY VALIDATED.

So guess what happens when they aren't....

In almost every case they will loose power, force themselves into a corner to the point they will have no other option than to remove themselves from the situation and seek out more agree-able people they can convince and pal up with.

So that's it!

I've tried my best to open up the world of the sycophantic attention whore to you from what I have observed and learnt, hopefully enough for some of yo out there in "I feel like reading a blog" world.

Your best course of action to combat the Blow Ass and his/her Infected is to be aware of them and treat them accordingly.

Simply put, be that little bit more prepared if you have to put a stop to them and un-infect their followers by being you. Cut them off and stop validating them, let them realise that the life of a Blow Ass is not acceptable around you.

Good luck and keep up the fight.

Lil' bit o' Business Advice

Well...it was inevitable.

I have turned a year older. Yup, just the other day, like a few days ago, certainly sometime between when that other day started and when it ended. Yeah, I'm all about specific's today.

I'm still in my early forties with a few wrinkles appearing on my face when I smile, I'm getting married to an amazingly hot woman who I love to bits who has a heart of gold and is my best friend, I have a 13 year old son, an 18 year old (non-biological - not that it matters) daughter and a 5 year old step son all of whom I love to bits, there's a lot more salt than pepper in my beard and hair than there was a year ago (possible reference to children) and I'm less inclined to go for a cross country run now than I was when I was 20.  

No wait.  Scratch that. I've always hated running. It's dumb, to be avoided, you turn a bit red faced, you sweat, unable to breathe, slamming feet into the earth, nah. Tell me, you ever seen a runner smiling as they're running? No. There you have it.

So I need to replace that last comment about cross country running. Please replace with "I'm less inclined to answer back in a bar than I was when I was 20". Yes, better. And no, I didn't like those situations either but when you're from where I grew up and you're partying in places infamous like Tokoroa, Putaruru, Hamilton, Auckland...well y'know, shit happens. At least the Tokoroa Police were nice. Well, the woman one was anyway.

But I digress. The point of this post is to be reflective and to tell you how I ended up where I am today as a Team Manager so that maybe my advice will help you see how to climb the ladder (corporate or otherwise) toward having a successful career in your chosen field.

So lets kick this off.  Here's me, I'm the team manager of a Telecommunications Provisioning Team - there's 17 staff, all very smart with lots of potential that's never been realised. Thankfully, now it is. I've been here at my current workplace for 13 years (and yes, my son was only 2 weeks old when I started and is the reason for the legend whispered in corridors of "Did you know Darren got keyboard face by falling asleep in training when he first started?"), I have run inbound contact centre teams of 14 or more, an elite high performing tele-account managers team of 12, was a QA for calls and helped our business grow professionally, created a Lead Mentor system that's still in place today 12 years later, became the customer service business stream lead for a multi-million dollar project run internally, I ran Billing and Cash teams for a while made up of a further 20 staff and have in the past been trusted to run both contact centres when the Service Operations Manager has been away on holidays for weeks at a time - around 150 staff. 

So how does a guy like me - not particularly school smart but did okay - end up doing all that stuff (and more) when I was voted "most unlikely to succeed" at school (editors girlfriend thought I was nice) and I kept falling asleep in training?

The answer (broken into 2 parts) is the same answer I've been telling you in almost every single post I've written here.

The first part is;

"Attitude"

Yup - this old nugget. "A" double "T", "i" and another "t" with a whole lot of "uuuude" for good measure.

So without coming across as some arrogant tool (trust me, I cant stand arrogant people and I am certainly not one, I'm more on the "caring and confident" side of the fence) each and every day I have done my best to focus on the good, even turning the not-so-good into ways of getting it around to my way of thinking and by actually giving a damn about what I'm doing. By constantly looking for win/win's in every situation, building a genuine honest rapport with the people I work with, being 100% honest in all my dealings and doing what I say I'm going to do (also becoming known for these traits) I have built up a size-able level of respect here - so that was  the "how". 

For you reading this, this might seem a lot, but it's not. It's a simple state of mind. Whenever you are working, whatever you are doing, if you have the right attitude towards it and you're not just sitting back and "expecting" things to happen for you, things will get easier and you will keep yourself ahead of the curve by getting asked if you would like to try something new. Nice people in this business get somewhere. Nice people with go-get-it attitudes can get even further.

People see this attitude in you. Now okay, yes, I've been very lucky and had plenty of amazing people looking out for these attitudes and great for me, they saw them in me, hence all the incredible opportunities I have found myself in. 

That's the first part done, now for the second part of this epiphany.

"It's ok to make mistakes"

So many people beat themselves up unnecessarily regarding making mistakes, but ask yourself some logical questions each time you make one;

"What have I learned?" - I'll bet you leaned how NOT to do it again, right? So is that a negative or a positive?

"How did it happen in the first place?" - time to start looking at the process and how you got there which will lead quite nicely into...

..."how can I stop this happening again?" - forward thinking to help yourself and others.

Regardless of the mistake, it is absolutely possible to turn it into a "serious positive" by learning from it and acting on it.  

Did you know about the potential to make this mistake before you made it? 

Of course not! If you did, you wouldn't have made it, right?

So now you do. What are you going to do with this information you've just learnt?

Gonna cover it up and pray no one realises?  Well, you could...but where would that get you?  Constantly having to hide? Anxiety that someone might bust you?  Screw that.  Bust yourself and fess up!  Own that error you made and spread the word! 

Thing is - your $40 mistake (or even $4000 mistake) that you've learnt from and are striving to fix/repair etc could be potentially plug a massive dollar hole the business you work for didn't even know about!  

And since you've found the error, by you alerting others to it, your little mistake could potentially save your company mis-quillions (Google it) if not mega-trillions of dollars in the long run.

So...why are you beating yourself up again exactly? 

LEARN FROM IT, ANALYSE IT, FIX IT, OWN IT. That's a real positive my friend. 

I'm pretty sure you're picking up what I'm putting down here.

 

So give these things a go - consider the environment you work in and look toward upping your personal profile within the business. Think about who you interact with, what your job is, what your role is (job and role can be different) and why you're there.

A few key points to consider too though.

1. Never be a suck-up - everyone can see through sycophantic behaviours, even if you're world class at it. Trying to make everything "all about you" or harping on trying to convince everyone just how "wonderful/awesome/amazing" you are, is just annoying. You will effectively lose all respect from the people you work with and miss out on even normal opportunities because you will be seen as a bit mental. No one likes a suck up attention whore.

2. Keep your cool when others aren't or can't 

3. Never go to a meeting without preparing for it first - you can choose to go as a spectator or a participant. I NEVER choose to go as a spectator.

4. Do what you say you're going to do - use outlook calendars, phone reminders etc basically whatever you have to make sure you don't forget

5. Have fun. Don't be serious all the time. No one will relate to the person who can't have a laugh.

6. Admit when you don't understand - which would you rather? Know how to do something or do it wrong and have to re-do it?

7. Be genuine. This, my friend, is numero ono and the MOST important thing of all.

8. Show empathy for others situations.

9. Proof read every email you send before you send it and re-read every email you receive at least once.

10. And lastly (but by no means finally) -  challenge yourself. You're a lot stronger, braver and smarter than you give yourself credit for buddy. Trust that fact.

Okay - I'll leave this all with you to have a bit of a re-read through - and I wish you the best of luck - I'm sure you got this and all the stuff I've blathered on about above you probably already knew.

Have a great day

...and dream big.

"Word-Fu"

Welcome back!  Man, it's great to see you, it's been ages. Have you had a haircut? Looks good. 

Today I thought we could deal with that ancient art of "Word-Fu" - namely the ability to handle situations using your knowledge of vocabulary and/or language in general. Not the game you find if you Google this term, trust me, this version of Word Fu is not a game. Oh no, no indeed.

So we've dealt with body language in prior posts, so it just seemed right to work on what you're actually saying too, right?

But we're gonna get a little specific. We're gonna deal with a few people who we find difficult.

Who or what am I talking about?  

Liar's and Cheats.

Now to explain - this is not some personal crusade or revenge/frustration driven rant given parts of my life to date.  Nope, this one's far from it. Life has taught me a few things, things I reckon it would be good for you to know. This is an attempt to help you out if you're currently struggling with that odd sensation in your gut which is telling you "something ain't right here..."

We all know that feeling, it happens to everyone. 

So yep, this post is designed to be 

A beginners guide to handling liars and cheats utilising Word Fu.

Consider this an opportunity to take the wool away from your eyes. 

To begin, a liar/cheat can be defined as those people who always spout lies to either make themselves look good, to cover their asses when they've been busted/trying to avoid being busted, those who dig themselves out of a hole (that they probably dug themselves) with non-truths or who are always putting someone else down for their own personal gain. 

Yep...THEM.

This is also about those people who never apologise - even when all the facts stack up against them higher than the Himalayas. This is about those who feel the need to deceive, who often have a distorted version of right and wrong and who are just dramatically challenged and need to feed drama into their lives. 

Whoa. Yeah...I know...

That was a BIG list of who this is about but please, stay with me. 
It'll be worth the read.

Now, there are a couple of other categories which we will exclude from this post just to be clear.

1. The liar who lies due to a distinct lack of confidence - whereby due to personal circumstances (i.e. has been put down all of their lives, told they are a loser etc) an individual will bend the truth a little, but never to hurt anyone.  In these cases, dependent on the lie being told, most people will forgive them, often because the lies they tell are horrible and about as transparent as air. 

2. And our common "Little White Lies" - like Santa, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy - they are designed to inspire your child's imagination, not to be lies to be found out and crucified for.   

This leaves us with the Liar's and cheats who lie on purpose, knowingly to deceive YOU. 

So, the first question - How can you spot them?

Well, it's actually not as hard as you think, but you have to want to see. 

How often have you been in a relationship where you've known you're being lied to, but choose to ignore it for your kids/your income/your lifestyle or some other "comfortable" reason? 

I'll bet good money I haven't been the only one.

So if you are looking, there are a few "tell's" and "types" that give most liar's away. 

But the number one rule - trust your instincts - if you feel like something is wrong with what you're being told, it often is. 

If it smells like a duck, quacks like a duck, flies like a duck, odds are....its a duck.

Remember - 93% of all communication is non-verbal.

• A liar will often look away rather than making eye contact as they are talking with you
• Holding eye contact too long (yes, the opposite of the above). This one is generally felt as awkwardness. The liar is challenging you to challenge what they are saying - they expect to be caught out.
• Distracting behaviours like touching their ears, playing with hair or clothes, changing the subject the more uncomfortable they become etc
• Speed of their voice - often liars will speak slightly faster than normal when lying.
• Too much detail - liars often pre-meditate how they will tell you something and create great detail "in case" you ask. They often tell you this detail without you asking.
• Trying too hard to sound normal that they actually end up sounding weird and false
• Deflection - re-accusing the accuser - this is a classic whereby if you confront the liar about their lying, they will accuse you of either doing the same thing or something much worse to change the focus. 
• The "Dismissively Aggressive" - ever heard the saying "doth thy protest too much?". This one is generally used by aggressive people who deep down know they have done wrong but will never admit it, often combined with the "Believer".
• You will be made to feel like everything is all your fault, often. This protects the liar by you always being the worse one. I fell into this situation once before - not a cool place to be. 
• "The Retreat" - often liars will avoid discussions where they can be found out. What better way than to just walk away? 
• The "Believer" - this is probably the most dangerous liar of all. They actually believe the lie they are telling you is true. 
• And finally (but by no means the end of any liar list) the "Clever". This is the one where you are literally baffled by bullshit. This one takes a very good talker with a high level understanding of "Word-Fu". Most politicians probably fall into this category.

Life would be so much easier if a liar's pants actually did catch on fire, right?  For sure, true story.

Now that we have a few categories and generalisations on methods a liar will use against you, the next question is 

How can you stop them lying? 

Well, bad news buddy.  You can't. 

I know, I know - not the answer you wanted, 
but unfortunately, it's absolutely true. 

It is literally impossible to stop someone lying to you.

Especially if they have something to hide.

But the saving grace is, generally speaking you will always notice (if you know the person lying to you) even if you're not being paranoid or jumping at shadows. 

You'll get that feeling something is wrong - you know the one.

This is true for cheaters too.

If you suspect a cheater - and yes, they are a special bunch, advanced liars - something will trigger for you. 

For relationships where you co-habitat - suspicions can be sparked if you notice something has been moved in your house, more attention is spent focused on cell phones, conversations are happening less, frustrations at you become higher, your items get covered up or even put somewhere else. Cheaters and adulterers are very good at mastering these skills, especially the bold ones who believe it is their right to act the way they do. 

Consider how much of a bummer it must be for them trying to work their mojo on someone else when there is a picture of you hanging up in the front room, or a whole heap of your stuff hanging around. Not gonna work too well for them, right? 

An example - a friend of mine years back was dating a detective and they'd been living together for about 5 years, she'd thought they were happy. Bad news was - he'd been cheating on her in their own home since the beginning of their relationship, moving all her stuff (putting things in drawers, hiding them away) every time he had someone come over - and there'd been many. He blamed her when he got caught (she found a picture she treasured of the both of them under their bed) and probably still does. He was an arrogant guy, full of his own importance and believed he was always right.  

Yet another person playing "alpha" male. You'll see I stated playing, because that's all they're doing, pretending to be number one.  They're not really number one by any stretch of the imagination, by putting others down they think they can elevate themselves.  
Bad news for them.

If you happen to be one of these pretend Alpha Males (or an Alpha Female) and is reading this for any insights you can use, quit it.  Now.  You're being an asshole. 

Real Alpha's know their responsibilities to others, they don't use/abuse others for their own gains. They'll do the opposite and be all good with it.

And most pretend Alpha's all end up the same too. They refuse to pull their heads in and eventually they get it knocked off. It's simple physics - action, then opposite and equal reaction. Be an asshole, get smacked over like one. 
Trust me, there is ALWAYS someone tougher than you. 

Now if you are worried about this cheating happening in your home, take note of where your stuff is and of your partners behaviours both good and bad, something will always give them away. Most cheaters aren't very smart. 

Another thing you could keep a nose out for is "smell". For example - if you get home to a smell of air freshener, they could've been either smoking weed, they've burnt something in the kitchen, have severe "wind" or are trying to mask someone's perfume/cologne. 

Awareness is always the key - as is a level head. 

You also need to appreciate that all of these things can be happening and your partner NOT be cheating on you. However, if you are suspicious and feel that something is wrong, investigate and put it to rest because it just might be real.

       Remember - if it smells like a duck, quacks like a duck, flies like a duck, odds are....its a duck.

Another indicator can be perhaps your partner is going out more and more and not wanting you to come along. If cheating is a potential, are you finding yourself in a fight just before they go out? 
It could be a way of justification for them telling you to stay home so they can go out with their friends and/or their hook up. 
Are they always encouraging you to go out and don't care where? Mmmmm. 

But hey, enough about cheaters, lets move on back to liars. They kinda go hand-in-hand with cheats anyway since isn't that what cheats are actually doing anyway?

For liars - you can always try and create a safe environment whereby they will feel they don't have to lie to you - useful especially with children and teenagers. 

I do this with our two boys and I back it up with non-confrontational methods of busting them when I catch them. I can tell when they are lying just by getting them to tell me their story whilst maintaining eye-contact.  If you know your kids, you'll know how to do this already too.

For most liars, they lie until the point they get caught out, then they scramble. 

If you believe you are being lied to, my suggestion is confront the person. You can start softly, softly such as "Look, are you sure that's what happened?  It doesn't sound quite right..." and then you can utilise a real piece of "Word Fu" that almost never fails.  

Oh yeah, this is intermediate to advanced level stuff.  

You're not using "silence" properly. 

Yep - S.I.L.E.N.C.E. 

The absence of noise, y'know, keep yah mouth shut bro', or shushit@dudeyouretooloud.co.nz or www.zip_it.com. 

So I can see your eyebrow lifting, you're not so sure on what I'm saying huh?  

I guess it does sound a bit like a misnomer.  I've been describing "Word-Fu" yet I'm talking about you saying "nothing" wrongly? 

Yeah, it sounds a bit weird even to me as I'm writing this. 

But like any of my left-field posts, hold the phone, put your feet up, park this baby in neutral and trust me. 

If you utilise this skill I'm about to teach you, you will become a better one on one speaker, listener, a better communicator and most of all - become a much better bullshit detector.​

​So what on earth am I actually blathering on about here? 

It's remarkably simple. Silence can be your best friend and a worthy Allie, especially when you are dealing with people who are trying to lie to you. 

Let me set the scene for how I learnt this little gem, handy bit of background.

I had a friend back in the 80's and 90's named Hitoshi who was a lot older than me, was my intermediate Aikido instructor and he held a fairly middle management rank in a manufacturing firm who had just started doing a bit of business here in New Zealand back when "Made in Japan" became viewed as not bad stuff at all. 
Nothing cool like electronics, no he didn't work for Sony. 

As one of only two of Hitoshi's European student's, I was always being told off for talking too much - I preferred to call it "youthful exuberance" whereas Hitoshi preferred to call it "a problem with authority".
This came to a head literally, spinning back-fist involved, when I answered a rhetorical question with a joke in the middle of a 50-strong training session. 

Turned out that my barbarian humour wasn't all that funny and I ended up with bruises from the other students just to prove how "un-funny" the sound of one hand clapping actually was. 

I also managed another few thick ears talking about cups being half empty/half full and a snide comment about "either way there is room for bourbon". 

Yes, it seemed my insight genius was not appreciated then either. 

So - somewhat flabbergasted at my lack of understanding and on the verge of giving up - Hitoshi took me along with him to a business meeting where I was to learn something or suffer the consequence of loss of face. Not literally though. My face was going to be fine.

I was introduced to the other party as an "associate", although to what I had no idea, but according to Hitoshi I was dragged along to learn something vitally important that could finally get me to understand what he'd been trying to get through "my Thrick Scrull". 

Now given I couldn't (and still can't) speak much Japanese, I figured I was going to learn about as much as "bad wind" in a rubber suit... no doubt this was going to be a painful and uncomfortable few hours.

On arriving however, I found that all the other company representatives were European and they were a happy accommodating bunch, as were Hitoshi's people. I observed the appropriate courtesies, figured my luck had changed since everything seemed nice and casual, I only slightly felt like the charity case dumb kid at the smarty pants party, but at least I figured was going to understand at least some of what was going to be said.  We were all ushered into the meeting room to begin discussions, me at the back and firmly out of the way, no dunce hat included. 

Before we headed in to sit down however, Hitoshi told me to say absolutely nothing unless I was spoken to directly. It was one of those "do as I say" moments you'd get from your Mum, y'know the ones, when she'd use your whole name including your middle name. 

Needless to say, I kept my mouth shut. 

What happened over the next hour however, changed the way I see communication forever and I'm happy I went. Hitoshi was right and I'm glad he stuck his neck out so far with his co-workers and took me along.

Y'see the Japanese have a slightly different way of doing business. Yes, gross generalisation I agree, but since that meeting I learnt it's mostly a fairly true statement. 

Both teams sat either side of a longish table, not much a view but all in all, a fairly boring venue.
The thing that had me spellbound over the next couple of hours was that there were times in that meeting where it felt like I almost had to say something, the very core of me screaming out "say something!" much like trying to ignore a phone ringing - it became almost physical pain in wanting to answer the thing. 

I swear that the silence was so deafening and so uncomfortable that the nature of the meeting quickly changed and the other party had to keep filling the gaps, they started talking up a storm. 
During particularly long silences, Hitoshi would look back to me to reinforce his message. As dutiful student I complied.  The longer this meeting went on, the more out-of-sorts the other people became. 
I kid you not, at one point it was like a competition of who speaks first loses as the Europeans started to catch on. 
At the end of the meeting however I overheard one of the exec's asking what the hell had happened in there, it seemed they'd revealed too much and been more truthful than they had been planning to be. 
They literally didn't seem to be able to help themselves but fill those silences with more and more wins for Hitoshi and the company he worked for. The other business just kept sweetening the deal with more and more offers to get Hitoshi's company on-board, an obvious assumption over why the Japanese were being so quiet.

I learnt afterward that it wasn't because Hitoshi's group weren't sure, it wasn't that they wanted more (because they didn't), it was simply because they knew how to negotiate and they simply wanted the truth. They were cautiously analysing all the information being given AND they knew before they even started that the truth would come out.  They'd utilised this tactic before.

Having read Sun Tzu's "Art of War" since this meeting, I think (although still not 100% sure) that I got more a handle on this but at the time, I - and the European group - had no idea what was happening.  

Hitoshi's group knew that most people, most importantly the European's they were dealing with, dislike silence.

Consider this - just how many times have you filled awkward silences yourself?  
I'll bet lots. We're not wired to handle it all that well. 

Y'see by saying nothing, most people who are feeling the pressure of the silence can't help but reveal their own true thoughts, it's almost as if we've been taught this way. 
Silence equals bad.

The scary thing is - it's actually quite the opposite. Welcome to Word Fu.

If you don't believe me, try it for yourself and practice. 

1. Ask a person the question you want to know the answer to - perhaps one that you know they would not tell you the 100% information for

2. Let your question hang there. A thoughtful expression will help.

3. Keep your mouth shut. You will feel uncomfortable and so will they. Keep quiet. The results will most likely surprise you. 

Word to the wise though, this is not something to be used for negative or personal gain - pretend Alpha's (male and female) I'm talking to you. 

This is simply a tool to be used so you can gain the truth from any situation whereby you would need it in order to make an informed decision. 

So welcome to the essence of Word-Fu, my friend.

Over here in the knowing side - silence is indeed GOLDEN.​ 

...That is unless you have kids...then it's just damn suspicious...

Devilskin - a band well worth going to see

A couple of mates (pals/friends for you American's) and I headed over the hill to the mighty Waikato city of Hamilton (around an hour and a bit drive from Tauranga where we live) to go see a live band that has been doing the rounds for about 4 years, but have only recently garnered critical acclaim starting to "make it big". 

For more about them, go here to their official site - http://devilskin.co.nz/

Having been a fan for about a year, I was really looking forward to heading out with the boys in Hamilton - an old stomping ground of mine. Devilskin never fails to impress!

...and no, for all you religious people out there?  Don't panic. Pretty sure they're not Satanists, their name and some parts of their video's are simply filled with images designed to "shock" the public and get them talking. 
Forget about the media machine and just listen to the lyrics and the tight music they're putting together. 

But for you NZer's, Australians, Americans, UK folk and everywhere else you lot are from who are reading my posts, keep an eye out for this band - they're up in the "we're heavier than Linkin Park" realm, and well worth a listen with steaming riffs, powerful melodies, sing along tunes, incredible drumming (from the rhythm guitarists son no less), great rhythm guitar playing, stage presence, professional and female vocals like I've never heard before - oh yeah, she has got some lungs! Very impressed. Sure, I can sing and belt out a few but Jennie could out do most male vocalists without even trying! Effortless.

Crowds are pretty diverse too - I kinda expected me and my friends to be up there in the "you's fulla's are too old bro' to be here" but nope, I'm a young 40 somethin' and there were plenty of rockers there WAY older than me!

Their concerts are charged and their stage show is tight, well eclipsing their two opening bands (can't remember the first one's name, but the second was "Fire At Will" who were good, just not Devilskin awesome). They had a great team behind them too and they openly got the crowd to acknowledge them as well. This band has that rare quality where they know where they come from and who has helped get them there. I get the feeling they won't be forgetting this fact if and when they make it bigger than big.  

They are heading to Australia soon, then hopefully they try to head further afield.  I have no question in my mind they could certainly make it in the big leagues!

If you get a chance to go see them live, I highly recommend you do. 

Be prepared not to be able to hear too well for a few hours afterward though, their stage show is epic.

Click the links below for their official music video's as a taster.

Little Pills

Never See The Light

Start A Revolution

We hit 1000 page views!!

Well, we've actually hit 1123 page views!!

Thank you to all of you from around the world who are reading the crazy stuff I'm writing in here.

I sincerely hope that the advice you find is brightening up your days/nights so that your World's not quite so dark or heavy and you're getting a bit of a laugh along the way.

Rock that positivity dude/dude-ette.

Yeah...you got this.

THE STATS

Ooooooo ouch.

That moment positivity comes to stay

Something to consider

Imagine a theater, filled with thousands of people, no one on stage.

Now imagine one guy in the crowd stands up and cracks an hilarious joke. Everyone laughs like crazy.

After a few minutes as the laughter dies away, the same guy tells the EXACT SAME JOKE. This time, a few less people laugh.

A few more minutes pass and the same guy then tells the EXACT SAME JOKE over and over again until there is nobody left laughing out of the thousands of people in the theater.

Imagine that now he stops, smiles and says;

"You can't laugh at the same joke over and over again, so why do you keep getting upset over the same thing over and over again?"

Whoa....