How to handle Conflict - point 4 (Empathy)

So we've tackled the first 3 recommendations of what to do in most conflict situations for you. 
Time has arrived to sign this off.

To summarise the previous posts and catch us back up, in conflict situations, good rules of thumb are;

1. Find a way to Calm Down 

2. Be Aware of your surroundings/body language etc 

3. Do something/Do anything to release some of that rising adrenaline

And finally as point 4, use…

Yes, I can hear you. This is the final bit of advice? I'm joking, right? No. Given my martial arts background, I'm betting this was not the final piece of the puzzle you were expecting. There is no "Flying Fists of Fury" in this post.  

Point 4 - EMPATHY. 

Yep, see those capital letters? Yes, this is that important. I got my CAPS LOCK on. I even underlined it.

When the proverbial <insert own word here> hits the fan and you've followed the first 3 steps, both your brain and body should be (with practice) in a state that can consider questions such as;

• "I wonder what he/she is feeling right now and why"
• "I wonder what is really important to he/she right now"  
• "I wonder how he/she is viewing this situation right now"  
• "I wonder how he/she got into this state, what caused this?"

These are vital questions to ask about your potential opponent. They can also be building blocks towards setting up the necessary rapport you're gonna need to further de-escalate the situation.

Now a common trap (certainly amongst us males) is misunderstanding how empathy is viewed by your peers. Contrary to popular belief, Empathy is not a weak approach, it is certainly not soft either. It takes guts to consider, it takes street smarts. You can be empathetic and still have plenty of personal grunt, confidence, and be a force to be reckoned with. Consider how love and kindness can win over anger and selfishness. You can be in love and be kind without setting yourself up as feeble or wishy-washy, right? Sure 'nuff. Same goes for empathy.

SCENARIO: to illustrate why empathy is important.

You leave the movies alone [no, it doesn't matter what you went to see]. It's around 10:30pm. A man is suddenly in your face wanting to attack you physically. 

He is yelling abuse at you as if he knows you, provoking you, becoming more physical by pushing you and is "amping up" with every passing second. He is spitting as he talks, he is that angry. No one is coming to your aid, people are just watching on.

1. You follow the first 3 steps as described and managed to calm down, relax a little and you are aware of your surroundings and his body language.
2. You cannot run away, there is nowhere to go
3. You can see he is not drunk and that he is visibly upset, why you don't know 
4. You have not met him before so it is unlikely he is actually upset at you. Regardless, you are his target.
5. In this situation, lets presume you are sufficiently trained to physically "handle this" as necessary. 
6. You chose to ignore step 4 "Empathy"

By ignoring how this guy feels and why, it is now more likely a fight will begin. Now let's suppose you "handle" this person, hospitalise him. He cannot attack you anymore. You protected yourself and can justify your actions in your own head and to Police. Self Defence, not your fault.

Now imagine the Policeman comes and tells you that this guy was in this aggravated state because a remorseless drunk driver had just killed a very close loved one of his and gotten away with it…

Okay, now stop. Let this sink in for a second or two before reading on. 

Consider how he might have been feeling, what it might be like to lose someone close to you the same way. Could be that you look like the drunk driver. It's possible. Does the fact he's lost someone close like that, justify his violent behaviour and attack on you? 

Of course not.

BUT - would you have acted the same way if you'd known this information at the beginning?

Empathy. Point made.

Understanding what another person's drivers are is critical in most conflicts (with the exceptions of domestic violence, sexual assaults and child abuse) but none more so than within the office environment. 

Often hidden within virtually every conflict in a business setting is the potential for a teaching/learning opportunity. Where there is disagreement, there is often an inherent potential for growth and development, not every single time, but more often than you're considering.

In all of these "here at work" and some of those "outside of work" cases, Empathy is your greatest weapon and ally. 

Combine empathy skill with you being calm, an awareness of your surroundings and your opponents body language, not to mention perhaps relaxing physically (then throw in some compromise, forgiveness, compassion, finding common ground, being an active listener, and confidence) and any of the numerous other approaches you could add, your chances of successfully hitting conflict head-on and resolving it are much higher, especially if your underlying desire is strong.

I'll finish this post up and leave you with an ancient proverb written by Lao Tzu (google him, this Chinese dude was switched on) that states you don't have to be strong or hard to overcome obstacles and that often perceptions of what is strong/hard or soft/weak, simply aren't true. Empathy is one of these factors. It is perceived as soft but in actual fact, can overcome hard.

"The hardest things in the World can be overcome by the softest things in the World. Water can erode Earth, and Weak can overcome Strong. This the World knows, but does not practice." 

I hope these posts about suggestions on how to handle conflict has been helpful.