How to handle Conflict - point 2 (Body Language)

Ok – the art of interpreting body language in a conflict situation. 

Being able to judge how someone is feeling and how they are likely to react based on how they are standing, facial expressions, in some cases even smell.

Lucky for you when it comes to interpreting body language - you are already an expert on the matter, you just may not realise it.   

Below are the approximate stats on human face-to-face communication. You'll see that the actual words you speak make up about 7% of the total whereas the rest makes up 93% – crazy right? Try an experiment – next time you're talking with a friend about anything, fold your arms tightly and point one foot away from them. 

You will notice a change in their behaviour and a lot quicker than you would've guessed.

Non verbal influence is huge.  When you know this, you have the ability to see situations for what they are and for what they might become whilst acting accordingly.

Sound difficult? Well, in the middle of an argument when tempers are flaring, I won't lie to you, it can be.  When you are not dealing with conflict (like right now since you're reading this) its a great time to learn about what can be going on.

To illustrate my point about non-verbal communication, let's consider feet.  

Yup, those two things at the ends of your legs, 10 toes, often smelly. No matter what your foot-ness situation is, these things can tell a lot about someone. 

Now yes, I know, I know, things have sounded crazy before that I've posted here and yes, this is certainly pushing the boundaries BUT so far those other crazy things I've said worked out to be not so crazy, right? Cross your fingers and read on.  I promise if you didn't know this next bit, you'll be happy you kept reading.

FEET

I've put together a few diagrams to help you see what I'm on about.  

Feel free to try these out when you're out and about talking to others. Proof is in the pudding as they say.

Fig 1.

Two people facing each other, either talking about "stuff" that each is interested in, or things are about to go pear-shaped.  Make sense?  Yup, simple and logical, right?

Fig 2.

The red lines are the angle that person B's foot is likely to move to or be at when these two people meet.  As you can see, person B is indicating that they don't have time to (or perhaps don't want to) engage with person A.  If you were person A, how would you change your approach knowing person B didn't have time to talk to you? Consider when you are approaching your manager.  If my manager points her feet away and I happen to notice, I'll offer to catch up with her later knowing she probably doesn't have time to talk.

Fig 3.

This one is usually backed up by person B actually walking away.  People running late for meetings usually adopt this.

Fig 4.

 

I was once told that this one also works well in determining interest from members of the opposite sex, maybe with hair flicking/twirling or proximity.  I guess you could try the theory but I've never used it so no idea if this one works or not. From a more clinical approach, in this figure, person C is interested in person A – either with what they're saying or just in them in general. 

Now of course there are thousands of ways people stand but to summarise, as a general rule of thumb (although not fool proof as personal comfort has a lot to do with how people stand), feet will determine where a person wants to go.

This is great when considering conflict situations. There are ALWAYS signs to let you know conflict is coming, signs which gives someone who is aware (in this case YOU), the necessary time to prepare to deal with it or to remove yourself from what is about to happen. And no, it is not just about feet.  Often folded arms denote closing off to what is being said, balled fists are another indicator, scratching your nose could mean you're lying (or you have an itchy nose).  It is your job to be aware of what is happening around you. 

There's an old saying that goes something like; 

"The people who go looking for fights or trouble are never a problem for those people who are ready for them".  

It's kinda like the boy scouts motto of "be prepared".  It's a real thing.

So, in conflict we have point 1 - "Find a way to calm down" and now we have the next point in any conflict situation.

2. Be aware of your environment and people's body language around you

Keep yah eyes open and be ready 

Trust in the fact you are an expert on body language (since you have been assessing it since you started communicating as a child) and act appropriately to situations you find yourself in.  

This is not to say that you should remain in a state of permanent paranoia, it is recommended that you find a state of constant awareness of what is happening around you.  Aware people generally don't get blind-sided - be prepared. 

Often something you can't explain might trigger a heightened awareness during a potential conflict situation – all of a sudden you will be on edge and react accordingly.  Trust yourself.  You've just subconsciously picked up a change in body language.

These points and explanations are designed to help you be smart when the pressure is on.

So for these first two posts on conflict, if you are… 1. Calm and 2. Aware  …you're already ahead of anyone else when the "#$%^" hits the fan.  

Practice looking around and analysing your environment, become aware of your surroundings.  

In a room full of people (without making it obvious) try picking out the ones who are stressed, or the ones who are confident, or even the ones who are a little of both or neither.

The more you practice, the better you will become.  

Good luck!