How To Handle Conflict - point 1 (Find a way to calm down)

"Just how can I deal with conflict?"

It's a great question and one, like I said in the introduction, one that comes up often.

Well, in order to fully understand, we need a couple of definitions to make things a little simpler. No, this is not because I think you're simple, far from it. 

If I did think you were simple, I'd be writing this post a lot slower...

As you know, there are literally millions (even billions) of different types of conflict, ranging from arguments about who loves who the most or why can't you just bloody put the seat down, to why one religion is worse than another and even far beyond that to the world stage.

For the sake of these conflict posts, we will classify the majority under just two headings and leave out the whole "religion" and "world peace" things. 

This ain't no church or beauty pageant, although I do have the most fabulous legs… Kidding. 

Com'mon people. Focus.

The two different categories we will use are;

1. The BignNaaaaasty Category – these are the "finger pointing, threatening, intimidating, getting in your personal space, yelling and screaming, physical, gonna smash your face in, terrifying, I hate you, you gonna get it, often drunk, often on drugs, high intensity, oh if only you could see your face right now" kind and,

2. The NotsobigANDitsgonnabeok Category - the "Y'know what? I'm kinda bit pissed off with you dude, we need to talk" kind.    

Of course, I'm hoping none of you has ever had to deal with the Big and Naaaaasty ones. They're not the nicest and no one ever truly wins. Fighting is always the last resort of fools. If you've ever been trained to fight, you'll know just cause you can, doesn't mean you should. 

It's got to be far beyond serious before most will even consider it.

The great thing is though, I'd bet around 70%-90% of people probably get through life without ever having to confront this type of situation, let alone have to defend themselves (or their loved ones) physically. 

As you'd guess, often the primary cause of violence is alcohol and/or drugs, which tend to make people irrational and unpredictable. Any situation can escalate quickly and become violent and dangerous. Kinda like when you fight over that last Memphis Meltdown ice-block in the freezer. 

Yeah, that shit can get serious.

For anyone whose mouth just made an "O" shape in shock at my off-hand comment, yep, you're 100% correct - I just made light of Big and Naaaaasty violent events involving drugs and alcohol. I poked fun at high pressure disgustingly frightening situations that should never happen by comparing it to ice block wars. People get hurt in violent situations every time. 

So why am I making so light of it? Where doth such madness come from?? Why would I not take the proper appropriate and serious angle as you would expect?

The answer's simple. 

In any potentially negative and violent situation (and no, domestic violence, child abuse or sexual assaults are not included in this), by making light of the situation in your own head, it can actually help you think straight - a key component when affected by intense stress. 

Humour is one of those things that has the ability to take that "brain-sting" out that freezes you up when you begin to panic. 

Handy tip. Why, yes it is. 

Time to say hello to your new best friend in conflict. 

1. Find a way to calm down.

Clear heads make clear decisions.

Calmness in a tricky situation is honestly like a super power when you have it. You'll be able to see how others are reacting and react appropriately, you'll be able to clearly read the situation and get yourself in a better position (mentally, physically and verbally) before too many emotions cloud the state.

But again, how?  For everyone its different. As I explained, the use of humour is one way and often works for many different people. 

To illustrate this, I had a student many years ago who could never face up in the ring (even during training) - would get terrified every time. He always began sweating profusely, would shake and go pale, even feel sick. Fear of the confrontation had him so messed up, he couldn't get through it. For months he never fought, even though everyone knew he was skilled enough to take part, he even started missing classes trying to avoid ring-time. 

He was just so paralyzed by the fear of conflict. It wasn't even about getting hurt.

By working with him one on one, he found that if he broke down the stages for each step to get him into the ring, after his first contact (punch or kick) all his fear would quickly vanish and his training would take over. 

So from memory, here are the steps that he took;

1.     Putting on the gloves – he joked with himself what it would be like if his gloves were twice the size, like giant clown gloves. He would even picture them this way in his head and how funny it would be trying to punch with them on.

2.     Five minute count before going out – rapid punching and kicking exercises to use up the nervous energy followed by dancing the macarena (yes, you read this bit correctly)

3.     Walking toward the ring – we put on a piece of music he really liked which he was able to get "into". Eventually he was able to "play" this tune in his head. No, this wasn't the macarena.

4.     Climbing through the ropes – he always did this with exaggerated slowness as he was generally smiling as he did it. He always pictured himself getting tangled up and being launched across the dojo like a stone from a slingshot. Nowadays he'd be an angry bird.

5.     Once in the ring, we turned his music up and he did another little dance, working out some of the remainder nervous energy.

6.     Face to face with his opponent - an often highly charged moment even in training – each time he approached this differently. He challenged himself to find out ways of unsettling the other person humorously and break the intense mood. A memorable one was he said to the other fighter – "you have nice eyes". The fight had to be postponed about 5-10 minutes because no one could keep a straight face. His opponent's expression had been priceless.

What this exercise with him illustrates was that everyone has the ability to turn things around in a difficult conflict situation FOR YOU. 

No one has any control over anyone else but YOU certainly do over yourself. So by finding a way to stay calm, you're giving yourself the best chance to get out of most conflicts unscathed.

The majority of things he did were simply triggers or actions for him to find ways to calm down. 
Funnily enough, he's now a stunt man working in Australia film and doing pretty well for himself.

Practice.

Find your happy place.